Tsarina T

There is one person in this world who is allowed to call me "Mommy."

Hint: It's not my husband. Because...ew. Nor is it the PR flackies who keeps sending me bizarre email pitches addressed to Mommy. My name is Tanis. And if you don't want to use that one, I'll accept  Tsarina T.

The only person who could get away with calling me Mommy is, ironically, the only person who can't. And he gets a free pass because dammit, he's cute.

I wrote a post about how my kid called me Mommy and how I had to resist the urge to laugh and/or shank him afterwards. Click here to read it. You know you want to.

Kids. They are totally weird. I mean, really, calling their mother 'mommy'? Who would have thunk it?

Also, I just really wanted to use this as an excuse to post this short clip of Jumbster on the net so you all could see how the quiet awesome radiates out of him.

Tsar Knox. He will one day rule the world.

For the Record: There is No Point to This Post

When I was 13, I was convinced that when I grew up I was not going to look at all like anything I currently resembled. Time would work it's magic and erase the curse of genetics and biology and I'd suddenly sprout to be my dream height of 5'11, have a pert C-cup, thick wavy blonde hair and a face made for magazine covers.

Because, like duh, someone had to look like that so why couldn't it be me?

I may not have been the brightest child, but I like to think I get points for being one of the most optimistic.

Of course, I have somehow managed to grow up and not look a whole heck of a lot different than I did at 13. At least, not while clothed. I'm an inch or two taller now, I've got lines across my face and both my arse cheeks and my breasts dangle a little further south than they used to. If my 13 year old self knew that I'd just grow up to look like a haggard, slightly puffier version of my teenaged self, only with better hair and a working credit card, I'd have spent less time day dreaming about all the fame and fortune my new looks would bring me and more time learning about important things like science, logic and why geek girls will always be hot.

This month, this January, I seem to have reverted back to my 13 year old self, minus the flat chest and firm butt. For some reason, these last few weeks I've been hormonal, angst-ridden and mostly delusional with my optimism.

It would seem I've either entered adult puberty or I'm pregnant.

Relax Boo. I'm 99.9 percent sure I'm not gestating life. I couldn't swear on it in a court of law though because my self-esteem refuses to let me think that some holy deity wouldn't want me to be the mother to his magically conceived love child.

So it must be puberty. I blame my teenagers for this. Their hormones are contagious.

This entire month, I've just kept telling myself to 'give it another day. Tomorrow will be better.'

It is now January 24 23 (dammit, I was really hoping to be one day closer to ending this stupid month!) and I'm now starting to see that maybe there aren't enough days in January for it to actually get better before the month ends. In the last three weeks, I've gained 9 pounds, fought with my kids, barely seen my husband, had TWO tires freeze flat from extreme arctic temperatures, not blogged at all and accidentally froze my wet hand to a metal door outside.

January has officially sucked. I think we should all campaign to have January removed from the calendar.

However, the optimist in me is demanding that I see the sunshiny side of January life.

The only thing I can think of?

I haven't shaved my legs once this month.

Oh, and that my kid is really damn cute in flannel pajamas.



I almost wish I was pregnant with some mystical, non-sexual deity induced pregnancy. Just imagine how cute that kid would look in flannel jammies.

 

 

 

 

Some Wish Lists Are Better Left Unwritten

For years I prided myself on being a hyper-organized neat freak. I'm not talking about the years of early adulthood. The ones where I had my first apartment, or even the ones during my first few years of marriage. No, those years were mostly dedicated to surviving. It was all about scraping together enough money to pay our utility bills, rent and tuition.

Those years were ugly. And well documented with hundreds of pictures of bad hair. My house was in a constant state of disarray, my babies were lucky if they were clothed and I couldn't see past the mess I was living in.

But slowly, I pulled myself and my household out of the gutter, got a better hairstyle and managed to find a way to survive the early parent, young marriage years.

And I became the uber wife, super mom prodigy I like to mock nowadays.

For about seven years, I had my shit together. I did my Christmas shopping in the off season when I found sales and I carried a list with me where ever I went. There was none of this wandering the grocery store aisles while hungry, randomly filling my cart with whatever I hoped we needed because I forgot to make a list before leaving home, like I shop now.

No, come December first every year, the gifts were all purchased and lovingly wrapped in carefully coordinated wrapping papers and strategically placed bows. I'd laugh at all the suckers who ran around at the last minute trying to score good deals as they purchased their holiday gifts and goodies.

I was obnoxious, really. But I was obnoxious with a ridiculously clean house and a stick up my arse most of the time too.

Ya. I was a total jackass.

And then things changed. I don't know if I grew up a little more or if what had seemed so important to me before no longer was a priority once my son died. But suddenly, I'm satisfied if the inside of the toilet bowl isn't brown and there is at least a path to navigate in between the dog fur, the dust bunnies and the kids discarded socks.

Oh how the mighty has fallen.

And once again, I am sorely unprepared for Christmas. I've picked up a couple presents for a few people but the reality is, if I don't get my arse moving soon, there isn't going to be much under the Christmas tree for anybody. I'm woefully ill prepared for the holiday season. There has been no Christmas baking, no gift wrapping, nothing.

I'm just lucky I managed to throw a couple of loads of laundry into the wash and sweep the floor before falling down in exhaustion. The idea of Christmas is completely wearing me out. I don't know how real grown up people with real jobs do all this. Because I'm completely faking it.

Oh ya, I'm a holiday faker. But at least I managed to get my Christmas tree up. Small victories.

Between Jumby's complex needs, boys basketball, girls basketball, club volleyball, musical theatre, broken in-laws, an absent husband and blogging, I don't have much time to do anything but drive, write and scatter some dry cereal around for the ferals to eat. I used to think I was busy when I had two toddlers and a baby. Apparently I didn't know what busy meant.

So when my husband called to ask me what I wanted for Christmas, I blanked. Apparently he didn't like my suggestions in the post I wrote for him. He's got some personal rule against buying me dead stuffed animals or pots I will never use.

When I couldn't come up with anything he deemed reasonable he was hard pressed to believe I haven't spent time crafting a very long wish list like I have in years past. (Because the best way to ensure you get what you want for Christmas, I've learned, is to write down very specific items including locations in which he can purchase said goodies. Works like a charm every year I tell ya.)

Without my Christmas wish list I've apparently spiralled my husband into the depths of Christmas misery alongside me.

Welcome to the club sweetie.

So I got to thinking. What do I really want for Christmas?

The list? It's not pretty.

I'd like a set of boobs that don't flap around like tube socks. But I don't want to have them surgically altered. I want them magically fixed. It's less painful that way.

Speaking of boobs, I'd like the none whiskered variety. Because nipple hair? It's not attractive on any one. Especially on a 36 year old woman. And I'm tired of plucking.

I'd like the waist I had back when I was 20. Before children. You remember the one. It was narrow enough both of your hands could fit around it and touch. I miss that waist.

I'd like a butt. I miss having one. And I'm too lazy to exercise to get one. I hear they make padded underwear. Sounds fantastic to me.

I want legs I never have to shave again. And toe nails that never grow. Because the current set I own of each require me to bend over to trim and shave and to let's be honest, I'm too lazy for that type of maintenance.

I want a car that fuels itself and never needs an oil change.

Children who don't require feeding. Or driving. I'm so tired of driving.

I want floors that don't have a rip in the linoleum or scratches in the laminate.

How about some extra cupboards so I can store the zombie head cookie jar I'm coveting?

I want socks that never get dirty and never need folding. Shirts that make me look like I'm actually trim and fit and pants I can button up with out sucking in my gut and then having a lovely roll of muffin top hanging over the edge.

I'd like a self-cleaning refrigerator.

My best friend to move back to Canada. Preferably next door.

How about a job for Boo that doesn't require him living under a different roof?

I'd like my back pain to be cured, my dad's rheumatoid arthritis to go away and for Jumby to be able to sit independently.

But what I really, really want for Christmas?

I'd like someone to come and finish all my Christmas shopping for me and then wrap everything so I won't have to. Because at this rate, I'm seriously considering wrapping up potatoes and frozen bags of peas in old newspaper for everyone and calling it a day.

Happy shopping Boo. I hope you have better luck with your Christmas shopping than I am mine.