Pass the Puns, Please

Happy Father's Day dear internet!

Since the hubs is out of town, working his nicely-shaped tuckus off, it is just me and the kids. We are off to go break bread with Grampa and celebrate our redneck ways.

Before I go, I have some fine cheese to pass along. Enjoy, and don't forget, like Cheez-Whiz, it likes to be spread!


A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."


***I never said I was fond of Cheez-Whiz!***

Pass the Puns, Please

Some days a person just has to be grateful that Sunday has rolled around. Today is that day for me. I plan on hiding from the inlaws, the phone and my dog for as long as possible today. I'm going to ignore the dust bunnies, the dirty socks and the sink of dishes calling my name. It's going to be nothing but a good book, a glass of wine and perhaps some cheese. And since I am feeling particularly generous, I shall share with you, dear internet, my fromage.

Enjoy!

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch.

"Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Pass the Puns, Please

It's Sunday morning and I am red-eyed and bleary. My darling hubs was a tad excited last night when his home team, the Oilers, delivered the death knell to the Ducks. As a hockey wife, this means I have at least four more game nights to enjoy my foot rubs and Cheetos...

My new baby, Nixon, is a darling. He hasn't made a peep. He has the worst puppy breath and man, does his flatulence stink. I have spent the last 24 hours stooped over, kissing, petting and wiping up pee. And let's not forget the little surprises he likes to leave beside my husband's side of the bed. But it is official, I am converted. I am a dog lover. I'm on the look out for a puppy purse so I may pretend to be Paris. (Minus the millions and the hair weave.)

So I leave you this ditty. As I am in a particularly festive mood, think of it as my present to you. No refunds. No returns!

Enjoy!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."