Pass the Puns, Please

My long-lost husband surprised me with his presence home for two solid days, before I have to send him back to work. He then flourished two tickets to the Dixie Chick's concert and took me out for a night on the town. After a night of music, expensive stadium food and a little mattress dancing, (wink, wink) this is the best I could do this morning for my weekly edition of spreading the cheese. Now, please excuse me, I'm off to corner the husband to take out the damn garbage. (Saves me from having to do it later...)


Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who dreamed of being a ballet dancer. One day, she read an ad in her email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby town.

So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater.

After witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her to go back home.

"But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of the would-be-ballerina.

"Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."

Pass the Puns, Please, Hallowe'en Style

In honor of the holiday that dentists everywhere cherish, I present to you this little piece of cheese on this snowy Sunday morning. So, with out further ado, enjoy!


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him...


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him!


However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs!


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps!


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door!



Bumping and clapping toward him!



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and......



(I hope you're ready for this!!)



THE COFFIN STOPS!

Pass the Puns, Please

Good morning, dear internet. As you are relaxing, drinking your coffee and reading your morning papers, I am stuck in purgatory. Drinking badly brewed coffee, playing tic-tac-toe and hangman with my darling Boo, while some government nitwit is preparing us for adopting a special needs child.

You see the irony here, right dear internet?

But never one to let a little bureaucratic red tape foil my plans, I will happily listen to her drone on and on about the needs of a handicapped child. And when she is finished, I am driving straight to the local liquor store (or since this is small town Alberta, straight to the local hotel) and buying myself a stiff drink. Because Boo and I will have earned it. Three days of listening on how to become effective advocates, efficient role models and ultimately, good parents.

And I didn't learn a damn thing.

Now let me have my new baby.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I have found a pun for you. A picture pun.

Because a picture is worth a thousand words, right?