Pass the Puns, Please

With the Christmas season upon us, it is a time for merriment. Office parties, community-league gatherings and get-togethers at friends and relatives homes. It is the time of year when you can imbibe in some spiked eggnog, or a lovely merlot and feel good about grabbing that cute guy's bottom. It's the season for normally shy and awkward dudes to feel brazen and bold enough to approach that pretty lady across the room and ask if they are wearing any underwear.

Because what could be more festive than going commando in a sub-arctic climate?

(And yes, it really happened. And yes, I was indeed wearing undies. Not that I told him. Pervert.)

Christmas season is a time for festive cheer. It's a time when you can sit by a warm fireplace with a good buddy, crack jokes and stir your coffee with candy canes. (Thanks Piano Man.) It's a time you can go to your best friend's house and eat all of her lovingly baked Christmas goodies. (Hint, hint, Roxylynn.) And it is the time of year I can spread my festive cheese with all my bloggy buddies. (Well, I'd spread the cheese regardless, but this way, I feel good about it!)

So, in keeping with my Sunday tradition, (you know, the one where I post a pun instead of actually having to think up a real post,) I present to you my Christmas cheese cheer. And because I believe in quantity vs. quality at Christmas, you get a two-for-one.

So enjoy. Go forth and be merry.


One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture.

A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"


This one is dedicated to my good buddy, Kimmy K. Because she is such a classy and clever gal. Cheers!


What do you get when you cross a pickle and a reindeer?

Pass the Puns, Please

Since the hubs is out of town, busting his bottom to bring home my bacon, I had to attend my sister's best friend's wedding solo last night. It was an odd experience watching the lady I have known since she was four years old, say "I do" to a man I used to work with. Odder still, was the fact that many of my old co-workers were in attendance and none of them seemed to have changed. At all.

It was a lovely wedding, and a lovely reception. I managed to stay sober, and sadly that means I remember the awful jerking I did that was supposed to pass as dancing out on the dance floor. I'll admit, I was the one in the polka dot dress that looked like she had a medical condition, spazzing out there to Bob Seger.

It's a painful memory.

So to ease my pain, and perhaps inflict a little myself, I present to you this week's cheese. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, lie or try and pass it off as anything than the groaner it is. But know that when you read it, this still isn't as painful as witnessing me try to do the Macarena.

Enjoy!



Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -


"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Pass the Puns, Please

I love winter. I'm a winter woman. I love the crisp, crunchy snow and the cool bite of the breeze. I love how my lungs feel when I inhale the icy air and then how snotsicles form when I exhale. I love how I sport a red, bulbous nose for the next six months and said nose constantly drips like a leaky faucet in my grandmother's old house.

I love being able to put on heavy sweaters and hats and mittens and go outside, grab a mittful of snow and hurl it at my children. All in the name of fun. There is something so therapeutic about the season.

I love being chilled to the bone, and coming inside to sit by the fire and nurse a piping hot cup of cocoa, complete with the tiny little marshmallows that slowly dissolve into sugary goodness.

I really love the winter. I even love the fact that I have had to drag my sorry ass out of bed twice this week so that I could extricate my sister and her car from the ditch she managed to drive herself into. Nothing like a sense of sisterly smugness to jump start the day.

I love winter. So on that note, I dug up some winter-flavored cheese. For you all to enjoy.

Because sharing means caring. So when you read this cheese, just keep in mind how much I care...



I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.

Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.