Pass the Puns, Please

It's a fine day for some stinky cheese. Allow me to offer you some of my most malodorous cheese.

I'm off to be attacked by the giant size mosquitos who make my flesh their buffet and my yard their home, while I fry under the heat of the blazing sun and lounge around, doing absolutely NOTHING on such a beautiful day.

Enjoy le fromage and your day!

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!" And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

(Even I'm cringing at that one!)

Return of Pass the Puns...

It's been a few weeks since I've posted my cheese. There have been a variety of reasons for this, most of them liquor induced and involving some small wish for the pain to stop, the Tylenol bottle to magically refill itself and a general wish for the world to stop spinning on it's axis.

My parents must be soooo proud of me. Snicker.

Ahem, it seems I am digressing into the world of passive aggressiveness. Focus, T, focus.

This morning I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping, the frogs singing, my dog softly snoring and Fric and Frac whispering. They were actually concerned about waking me up. They were being considerate.

Damn it. The one morning I wake up early and can't get back to sleep, they decide to act like the children I work hard to raise. Polite and respectful. Where the hell are these kids when I'm begging for more sleep, and little hoodlums are chasing each other through the house while practising their war whoops?

Ahem. I'm like a small child distracted by a butterfly this morning. Sorry folks. Back to the cheese. I have some and I'm willing to share. (Don't you feel so lucky now??)

Now I'm off to go chase butterflies and harness the power of a ten year old and a nine year old. There's 20 acres of lawn waiting to be mowed, and it's not going to mow itself. Nor will it be mowed by me.

Just picture me with a lemonade in one hand, a whip in the other, a dog under my lounge chaise while I yell, bark out, er, encourage the kiddies to mow in a straight line. Yah. That's it.

Enjoy your day, and le fromage.



A toothless termite walked into a saloon and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

Shut up and Shoot Me...Please

I am still fighting the plague. My nose won't stop running and is now beginning to get all red and sore from the constant abuse of me honking into tissues that could be a whole lot softer.







Those myths about spunk, sperm, man gravy, sausage juice, semen, love batter, sex goo, life affirming essence, seed of lurve, penile discharge or what ever the hell you want to call it, curing all that ails you...is shit.

I have carpet burn, lock jaw, and a sore throat.

Sorry honey, but your peckercillin, does not in fact, cure what ever ails me.

But it was a good try.

I suppose I shouldn't bitch. I do, in fact, have new car keys.

(This would be one of the posts I sincerely hope no one in either Boo's family or mine read...)

Ahem.

On to the pun. (Although, some might see the pun value in the cartoon...Again, hope the inlaws aren't reading.)


Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

Cut me some slack. I'm sick. I never promised quality.