Not My Proudest Mommy Moment

There are days when it sucks being responsible for smaller life forms.

Like when you notice a fish floating at the top of your fish tank because you may have not cleaned the water recently.

That totally sucks. No one likes a fish killer.

Or when your dog starts pushing around his food bowl with his nose only for you to realize you forgot to buy dog food. Again. And no matter how many times you pour Cheerios in his bowl, he still gives you the side eye and accuses you of being a bad doggy momma with his hound dog expression.

That sucks.

It sometimes feels like I am barely responsible enough to wear adult sized pants let alone be in charge of a family of smalls and various assorted non-humanoid life.

They just keep demanding more and more from me. Like food. And toilet paper. I can hardly keep up.

Which is why I was happy to escape my house on Friday and Saturday to take the girl child to a volleyball tournament. The dogs where barking, Jumbster was grouchy and Frac had been sick since Wednesday night breathing his toxic germs all over the place.

Frac wasn't feeling well. But after several days of listening to him moan and bitch about feeling like crap I was happy to escape for a few hours to go sit in a hard plastic chair inside a smelly gymnasium and watch a bunch of teenaged girls hit a volleyball.

As a mother with severely disabled children who have real medical problems, I have absolutely no patience for the pathetic sniffles of my healthy children.

Which is why, on Sunday morning when my eldest son came into my room at 530 in the morning to wake me up to tell me his stomach hurt I told him to suck it up butter cup. I mean really, did he expect me to drag my butt out of bed to pour him some Pepto Bismol?

It was the flu. Drink some fluids, takes some over the counter medication and go to sleep. Or better yet, go talk to your baby brother about what it means to have real medical problems. Sheesh.

At 10 am, Frac was still whining and I was becoming short tempered with him. "Stop whining. I know. Your tummy hurts." It was all I could do to not snarl at him.

It appeared Frac was another victim of the annoying man-cold and rolled my eyes at his male whininess. Seriously. I carried small elephants for almost ten months and then had them claw their way out of my girlie bits and I never whined this much. Boys.

But at noon, I started to listen.

It only took some tears to get my attention. My Frac is many things, over sensitive, a tad lazy and maybe even annoying at times. But he's never a crybaby.

And yet here he was crying.

Finally, my mommy instincts were paying attention.

By one pm, I knew Frac didn't have the flu. By 130, I knew I had to take the poor kid to the emergency room.

An hour and a bit later, he was admitted to hospital.

By 6 pm I was signing permission forms to have my son's abdomen dissected like a frog in a high school biology class.

Frac's last words to me before being wheeled into the operating theatre? "I told you my tummy hurt."

He must have missed the signs that I was drowning in mommy guilt. You know, what with him busy writhing in pain from having his appendix explode inside of him.

(Side note: Did y'all know they supposedly take out an astronaut's appendix before sending them to space? Or that the cow is one of the only mammals that use their appendix? The things one learns inside an emergency room.)

Frac is going to be fine. He's recovering nicely. And he's lording it over my head that he was right and that I was wrong. And I'm never allowed to tell him to 'suck it up' again.

I'm sure that's a promise I'll be able to keep for a few days at least. All bets are off when he is loafing in bed at home, ringing a bell and demanding I wear my mom pants all the time.

It's bad enough I'm going to have to grind my own coffee for the foreseeable future. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like to have yet another (temporarily) disabled child at home.

I should probably just find new homes for my pets in the mean time.

If history is predictive of the future, the smalls under my care may have a problem.


Sorry kid. You were totally right. Enjoy hearing me admit that now because IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.


 I love you.


 

 

I Have A Sickness And So Might He

You'd think that since my husband was only home for seven hours (three of which he was sleeping) he'd have had little time to actually do anything but cuddle with his children, pack his suitcase for his week long man-cation in Vegas and maybe try and rub up against me a little.

You'd have thought wrong.

He found time to yell at me too.

He's a big meanie that way.

In his defence, I may have done something I said I wouldn't do anymore.

I bought more eyeglasses. And I may have, accidentally, forgot to mention it to him.

What can I say? I have a sickness. I'm addicted to eye wear.

He gave me the side eye when he walked through the door but with our kids climbing all over him and me batting my eyelashes at him, he refrained from saying anything. I knew he could tell something was different about me but I figured since he didn't outwardly acknowledge the new optics on my face, I wasn't going to point them out.

But when he walked into my bathroom to fetch toiletries for his trip, he noticed several new glasses cases on our vanity.

"Um, Tanis? Do you have anything to say about this?" he asked as he came out holding three different pair of new frames.

"They were pretty?" That's always my excuse.

"Uh huh. They always are." And then he rolled his eyes.

"But since you noticed Boo, wanna see them on me?" Because nothing gets this geek's motor running like modelling new glasses.

It's a sickness I tell ya.

"Um sure," he shrugged as he walked back into the bedroom to continue packing. Oh sure, he acts noncommittal but secretly I know he was just dying to see how I looked in my new glasses.

No really.

So I put on the first pair of new glasses I bought online.


"Well, what do you think?"


His response?



"You look like a knob."


Ok then. "Well, hang on a sec, what about these then?" I asked as I slipped on the second new pair I bought.



He looked up from stuffing shirts into his suitcase (side note: He wasn't even FOLDING them! He was balling his clothes up like used socks. And he judges me by my eye wear. Puh-lease.)


His reaction?



"Dear lord, it'll be like having sex with my Nana."


"You have no taste."


"Apparently, neither do you. No wonder we're married."


Haha. Funny guy.


"Okay, what do you think about these? I bought them on a lark."



He looked up and I braced myself for more negativity.


His response?



"Oh! Now those I like!"


Wait, whaa?


"Really? You like these? I mean, so do I, but why do YOU like them?"


He stopped and looked at me for a second as I pushed the glasses up my nose and then he smiled.


"I like them because they totally remind me of your friend, Mr. Lady. She's hot."


Great. Now even my husband thinks I look like her.


Which would be fine, except when I was getting into bed he looked up and said, "Wait, I was kinda hoping you'd wear the red glasses to bed."


Um, think again buddy.


I'm burning these suckers.

Somebody Had Better Change My Bed Sheets

Five years ago when my husband decided to leave me, er, I mean, work away from home, I told myself our situation was only temporary and I'd see him soon. I told myself the quantity of time we spent together didn't matter as much as the quality of time we created.

Five years ago I may have been a bit of a raging dumb arse.

Half a decade later and I've decided I want quantity of time over quality. Because, frankly, I'm tired of solo parenting two teens and a disabled boy while being singly responsible for having to change the bed sheets every time my dog decides to barf on them. Which happens about every other night.

The upside to my husband's continual and seemingly perpetual absences is that I'm saving a truckload of money on razor blades. Personal grooming has flown out the window and our heating bills have been reduced. When one grows a yeti-like coat of fur one tends to stay warm. My glass is always half full.

Still, I'd rather have him home, zoned out beside me watching documentaries on insects or war (his two personal favourites) or lost to the cyber world of online gaming than 600 km away, where he has his own personal housekeeper/chef and the luxury of yak-free dog vomit-less sheets.

I'm petty and selfish that way.

I shouldn't complain really. I mean I just saw him a week ago. For three whole hours. 3 hours after not seeing him for 31 days.

Three hours.

You know what we did in those three hours? Nothing fun, I can assure you. He sorted through the rubble of laundry for clean clothes and I yelled at him that his sprained foot wasn't sprained but actually broken. "Why haven't you gone to see the doctor??"

"I did! Three weeks ago when I fell! They said it was sprained!"

"They're morons! You don't have to be a trained medical profession to see your damn ankle bone is practically popping through your skin! Get to the damn hospital!"

So he did. And what do you know? The ankle is broken.

The sad part of this tale, besides the fact my husband now requires orthotic surgery and is hobbling around on crutches on a painful break, is the fact I wasn't even able to lord it over him that I was right. Because he had to go back to work.

His damn job is robbing me of my gloating privileges.

Never mind that it allows us to put food on the table, a roof over our head and a computer for me to whine to the internets.

So when my husband called last night to tell me he'd be home this Tuesday night, I was a little giddy. I started to mentally prepare a honey-do list to hand to him the moment he walked through the door. His presence would mean I wouldn't have to be responsible for getting our daughter to a volleyball tournament half way across the province, the garbage would get taken to the dump, and I could sleep on freshly laundered sheets that I wouldn't have to change.

"Um, don't get too excited there Tanis. I'm only home for 7 hours. And then I am gone again."

Wait. Whaaa?

"Did you forget? I'm going on vacation. I have to leave at 3 in the morning to catch my flight to Vegas. Remember? My annual boys trip?"

Curses. I can begrudge the man a lot of things, like having a housekeeper/chef/ample free time but I can't begrudge the man his annual man's trip. Every person, regardless of his or her sex requires some good old-fashioned friend time.

"Seven hours?"

"Ya, and that's if traffic is good and I can get home quickly."

I mentally tabulated the amount of time I'll have spent with him before I actually get to see him for a whole day again.

"You realize that means in 62 days we'll have seen each other for 10 whole hours?"

Silence.

"That kinda sucks dude."

"Ya, I know. I'm sorry."

There is no reason for him to apologize, not really. We're lucky he has stable employment and we're even luckier that we have managed to remember that we still like each other through all the absences.

But still.

10 hours does not leave a lot of time to scratch things off the old honey-do list or allow for me to comfortably gloat that I am always right.

"I'll make it up to you. I'll bring you an awesome souvenir."

"Oh goody. I like things that sparkle. Or that are named Siri."

"Oh. Well then I guess I won't bother with that key chain I was planning on."

Good idea Boo.

Aim higher. Or at least spring for a matching tee shirt.

Either way, I'm totally not going to bother shaving my legs.

See? My glass? Still half full.