Tsarina T

There is one person in this world who is allowed to call me "Mommy."

Hint: It's not my husband. Because...ew. Nor is it the PR flackies who keeps sending me bizarre email pitches addressed to Mommy. My name is Tanis. And if you don't want to use that one, I'll accept  Tsarina T.

The only person who could get away with calling me Mommy is, ironically, the only person who can't. And he gets a free pass because dammit, he's cute.

I wrote a post about how my kid called me Mommy and how I had to resist the urge to laugh and/or shank him afterwards. Click here to read it. You know you want to.

Kids. They are totally weird. I mean, really, calling their mother 'mommy'? Who would have thunk it?

Also, I just really wanted to use this as an excuse to post this short clip of Jumbster on the net so you all could see how the quiet awesome radiates out of him.

Tsar Knox. He will one day rule the world.

For the Record: There is No Point to This Post

When I was 13, I was convinced that when I grew up I was not going to look at all like anything I currently resembled. Time would work it's magic and erase the curse of genetics and biology and I'd suddenly sprout to be my dream height of 5'11, have a pert C-cup, thick wavy blonde hair and a face made for magazine covers.

Because, like duh, someone had to look like that so why couldn't it be me?

I may not have been the brightest child, but I like to think I get points for being one of the most optimistic.

Of course, I have somehow managed to grow up and not look a whole heck of a lot different than I did at 13. At least, not while clothed. I'm an inch or two taller now, I've got lines across my face and both my arse cheeks and my breasts dangle a little further south than they used to. If my 13 year old self knew that I'd just grow up to look like a haggard, slightly puffier version of my teenaged self, only with better hair and a working credit card, I'd have spent less time day dreaming about all the fame and fortune my new looks would bring me and more time learning about important things like science, logic and why geek girls will always be hot.

This month, this January, I seem to have reverted back to my 13 year old self, minus the flat chest and firm butt. For some reason, these last few weeks I've been hormonal, angst-ridden and mostly delusional with my optimism.

It would seem I've either entered adult puberty or I'm pregnant.

Relax Boo. I'm 99.9 percent sure I'm not gestating life. I couldn't swear on it in a court of law though because my self-esteem refuses to let me think that some holy deity wouldn't want me to be the mother to his magically conceived love child.

So it must be puberty. I blame my teenagers for this. Their hormones are contagious.

This entire month, I've just kept telling myself to 'give it another day. Tomorrow will be better.'

It is now January 24 23 (dammit, I was really hoping to be one day closer to ending this stupid month!) and I'm now starting to see that maybe there aren't enough days in January for it to actually get better before the month ends. In the last three weeks, I've gained 9 pounds, fought with my kids, barely seen my husband, had TWO tires freeze flat from extreme arctic temperatures, not blogged at all and accidentally froze my wet hand to a metal door outside.

January has officially sucked. I think we should all campaign to have January removed from the calendar.

However, the optimist in me is demanding that I see the sunshiny side of January life.

The only thing I can think of?

I haven't shaved my legs once this month.

Oh, and that my kid is really damn cute in flannel pajamas.



I almost wish I was pregnant with some mystical, non-sexual deity induced pregnancy. Just imagine how cute that kid would look in flannel jammies.

 

 

 

 

Whacky Tobacky

There are few things I dread more than having to venture into the city to go to a medical appointment. Perhaps because I've now spent the bulk of my adult life sitting in a waiting room because of my desire to have children who are either born broken or born with a tendency to try and slice off their digits at every given opportunity.

I've done my time with the medical establishment. Which is why it seems a cruel hard fate to know that today I have to make the long drive into the city, pay for parking, wear one of those ugly hospital gowns that never seem to snap shut properly and therefore flash everyone in the room with a delightful view of my arse crack and then lay down on what is basically a metal coffin and listen to the obnoxious clanging of the MRI machine as it takes pictures of my back fat.

It's going to be awesome. And I'm so not shaving my legs for it.

To say I'm not really excited about my afternoon appointment is a bit of an understatement. Especially since I've been down this road before more times than I can now count and it leads to surgery, more pain and me walking around stooped over a bedazzled cane as my dad offers to give me an enema.

(For some reason the man is obsessed with fecal regularity. Especially mine. As a postoperative gift, instead of the typical flowers most daughters get, he brings me a box of stool softeners. I wish I were kidding.)

Let the good times roll!

However, as pessimistic and irrationally cranky about my own experiences with the medical establishment and my mucked up back, I have nothing to say about the treatment my children (dead and alive) have received in their short little lives.

We are blessed with a fabulous children's hospital and surrounded by expert medical peoples who go above and beyond the call of duty to ensuring all my children keep their digits while ensuring my youngest lives to see another day.

Jumby's life hasn't been the easiest, starting from the day he was born prematurely and weighing one pound four ounces. My kid was as big as a block of butter. He survived his size and the plethora of health issues that happen when you are born a micro preemie.

He survived the abuse he received thanks to the medical establishment and he fights daily to overcome his existing disabilities. (For those of you who are unaware, he's legally blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, and quadriplegic who eats through a tube and will remain diapered for the rest of his days.)

But Jumby is awesome. Regardless of all his impairments, this kid just keeps on thriving. He has a sense of humour that is inspiring and spreads more joy than a diseased tick can spread Lyme disease.

But life isn't always easy with him (understatement of the week alert!) and there are times I'm rendered exhausted by the sheer enormity of what it means to tackle this many disabilities at once.

This most happens when Jumbster is having a bad day with pain and spasms and there is nothing we can do to help him medically other than love him through it.

It can sometimes suck.

I'd move mountains to make his life (any of my kids' lives) better. Pain free. Healthy.

Even if that mountain was medical marijuana.

And that is what I'm yammering on about in my latest Momversation video. Which I hope you will take the time to watch.