Redneck Thanks
/I spent a large chunk of my weekend reading blog posts while chuffing back a bottle of Alberta-made ale and snorting to my husband as I surfed the net.
What made this weekend so very different than all the other weekends I have done this exact same thing (and yes, I do realize how sad my life has become,) is that the blog posts I read were all for me.
All around the internet, scattered like little Easter eggs hidden by a fat man in a bunny suit, Redneck Shower posts were written to celebrate the arrival of our new 5-year-old son as bloggers everywhere took the time to congratulate us and show the world how they too, have a little Redneck in them.
My heart swelled as I read one celebratory post after another and my pasty white arse cheeks jiggled as IÂ laughed reading and taking notes about how to be a better redneck mommy.
I couldn't believe so many people would take the time to participate in an online shower welcoming my disabled son into my family and our online community. Then I realized y'all were fighting for the chance to win a wooden dildo.
(That sound you hear? It's the air deflating out of my ego.)
Still, redneck prizes aside, my heart still swells with gratitude and love for each and every one of you who have sent me an email, a tweet, a comment or even wrote an entire post to congratulate my redneck clan.
There are no words. (Well, there are but let's face it, my posts tend to be too damn long at the best of times.)
Yet, as the original Redneck Mommy online and reigning queen of Rednecks in Canada, I couldn't let this opportunity pass to show you all how being a Redneck is really done.
Why spend money on fancy toys when Big Daddy Boo has a wheelbarrow?
Better yet, toss in a few sticks and you have TOYS. Plus the toddler is actually being useful. It's win-win, y'all. What game is more fun than a rousing version of "Pick Up Sticks?"
Need I say more? Who needs money for safety tested and government certified playground equipment when you have an old tree stump and a board? It's a fancy teeter totter.
How many of y'all can say you lived in a house that had WHEELS on it? Complete with it's own TAILLIGHTS. Nothing says classy like watching yer old house being wheeled down the driveway.
A true Redneck knows that children don't need no fancy bath tubs or showers. Just toss the lil' buggers into the nearest mud pit and watch them frolic. Not only will it wash the stink off them, but it'll provide hours of organic stimulation for yer youngsters.
You know you're being raised a Redneck when your momma regularly tube feeds you outside as you sit in the gravel, barefooted and dirty, looking bored.
Redneck self portrait: You see no shame in capturing this moment in time, posting it on the net or looking like this as you drive to town to drop your children off at school and fill up your vehicle's gas tank. While wearing fuzzy slippers.
To each and all of you, thank you. From the bottom of my Redneck heart.