Be Careful What You Wish For
/My husband and I haven't seen each other for 43 days. That's six weeks plus a day for those of you who suck at simple math.
This isn't the longest stretch we've gone without seeing each other, but it's close. In fact, unless he gets home by tomorrow night, which he won't, by the time he does walk through our front door, a new record will have been set.
It's not exactly a record I'm in any hurry to beat.
This legally-married yet still single parenting gig sucks after six straight weeks of yelling at the kids to clean up their bedrooms, stop touching each other, stop breathing in each other's air space and for the love of my sanity quit hiding the Oreo's on one another.
It's not funny when I can't find them dammit.
Last night he texted me to tell me he may or may not be home in time for Mother's day.
"That's really helpful. Which is it? Home by Sunday or no?" I texted back.
"Depends on how things go up here."
"Well things aren't going so well down HERE so I suggest you make it happen and come home."
"Sounds like you miss me."
"I miss having a responsible adult under this roof."
"The kids hid the cookies again didn't they?"
"THEY WONT TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!! The inmates are running the asylum dude!"
"You could persuade me to come home you know."
"I can call and yell at you?"
"NO. I meant, tell me why you MISS me. Give me a little sugar baby."
"YOU NEVER HIDE MY COOKIES!"
"That isn't what I meant Tanis."
"Fine. I miss you. Nixon keeps licking his invisible nuts in bed at night and it is driving me crazy."
"Wow. That's sexy. NOT."
"Sorry. I just meant it isn't the same sleeping next to an asslicker. I'd much rather be cuddled up next to you. You tend to have less gas."
"You are so romantic Tanis."
"I try Boo."
"How bout a picture to remind me of what I have waiting for me when I get home?"
"How about NOT."
"I'm up here working 16 hour days, 7 days a week. Be a good wife. I really miss you."
"And this is why I was pregnant at 20 and unwed. I succumbed to your PEER PRESSURE."
"You enjoyed it."
He had me there. I enjoyed it so much I got pregnant four months later after giving birth to my daughter. Dang him and his memory.
The phone buzzed again.
"Picture please."
"No."
"That toothless 60 year old woman I work with is starting to look good Tanis. I need an intervention."
"Have at 'er. Gummers are awesome."
"THAT IS GROSS TANIS."
"Just sayin'."
"Please?"
"Pretty please?"
"I'll detail your car for you when I get home."
"You'll do that anyways since it'll be mother's day."
"Fine. I'll detail your car, clean the gutters and wash, fold and put away all the laundry."
"Will you also take the garbage to the dump, caulk that window I've been hounding you about, wash the floor behind the stove AND grill a steak for me without whining about it?"
"FINE."
"Okay, hang on. I have to take the picture."
...
"Alright. Here it goes. Me in my glory. This is what you have been missing. I love you Boo."
This isn't the longest stretch we've gone without seeing each other, but it's close. In fact, unless he gets home by tomorrow night, which he won't, by the time he does walk through our front door, a new record will have been set.
It's not exactly a record I'm in any hurry to beat.
This legally-married yet still single parenting gig sucks after six straight weeks of yelling at the kids to clean up their bedrooms, stop touching each other, stop breathing in each other's air space and for the love of my sanity quit hiding the Oreo's on one another.
It's not funny when I can't find them dammit.
Last night he texted me to tell me he may or may not be home in time for Mother's day.
"That's really helpful. Which is it? Home by Sunday or no?" I texted back.
"Depends on how things go up here."
"Well things aren't going so well down HERE so I suggest you make it happen and come home."
"Sounds like you miss me."
"I miss having a responsible adult under this roof."
"The kids hid the cookies again didn't they?"
"THEY WONT TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!! The inmates are running the asylum dude!"
"You could persuade me to come home you know."
"I can call and yell at you?"
"NO. I meant, tell me why you MISS me. Give me a little sugar baby."
"YOU NEVER HIDE MY COOKIES!"
"That isn't what I meant Tanis."
"Fine. I miss you. Nixon keeps licking his invisible nuts in bed at night and it is driving me crazy."
"Wow. That's sexy. NOT."
"Sorry. I just meant it isn't the same sleeping next to an asslicker. I'd much rather be cuddled up next to you. You tend to have less gas."
"You are so romantic Tanis."
"I try Boo."
"How bout a picture to remind me of what I have waiting for me when I get home?"
"How about NOT."
"I'm up here working 16 hour days, 7 days a week. Be a good wife. I really miss you."
"And this is why I was pregnant at 20 and unwed. I succumbed to your PEER PRESSURE."
"You enjoyed it."
He had me there. I enjoyed it so much I got pregnant four months later after giving birth to my daughter. Dang him and his memory.
The phone buzzed again.
"Picture please."
"No."
"That toothless 60 year old woman I work with is starting to look good Tanis. I need an intervention."
"Have at 'er. Gummers are awesome."
"THAT IS GROSS TANIS."
"Just sayin'."
"Please?"
"Pretty please?"
"I'll detail your car for you when I get home."
"You'll do that anyways since it'll be mother's day."
"Fine. I'll detail your car, clean the gutters and wash, fold and put away all the laundry."
"Will you also take the garbage to the dump, caulk that window I've been hounding you about, wash the floor behind the stove AND grill a steak for me without whining about it?"
"FINE."
"Okay, hang on. I have to take the picture."
...
"Alright. Here it goes. Me in my glory. This is what you have been missing. I love you Boo."
"GROSS!! THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID SEND ME A PICTURE!!!"
"Just be happy I didn't take one of my legs. I haven't shaved those puppies since I was in Spain. Hurry home Boo. I need some help braiding these hairs."
"Lucky me."
And that is how I keep the romance alive between us.