The GoonSpoon

So you remember that time when you had an important school assignment due and it comprised a huge amount of your final mark for the class?

You know the assignment, the one where you were supposed to put some time and energy, maybe even a little research and effort into finishing it? The assignment requiring a fancy cover page with a sheet protector for it? In it's own separate binder? With pictures? And a table of contents?

It was that assignment the teacher told you about on the very first day of class and gave you four months to complete. Class time was devoted to finishing the assignment and detailed instructions were sent home to jog everyone's memory about how important this assignment was.

Ya. That assignment.

The one that was due April 20.

The one my child still hadn't handed in by May 22. How do I know? Because the teacher called me to tell me.

Wanna guess how I reacted?

Here's a hint:

Are you kidding me??

So I put on my scary Mommy face and I sat my child down and we had a conversation. It involved a few choice words, a stern look or two and maybe even a decibel level heard only by dogs. Whatever. No assignment will go undone in this house.

Promises were made. Tears may have been shed. But the assignment was worked on.

I put the entire incident behind me and told myself I hadn't failed as a mother.

And then the following week, the phone rang again.

Wanna guess who was calling? Turns out my lovely, darling, precious child still hadn't handed in the now SIX week overdue project.

Wanna guess how I reacted?

Here's a hint:

Are you sh!tting me??

That reaction was quickly followed with this reaction:

You just done went and poked the wrong bear, kid.

So once again, I sat my child down and we had a conversation. It involved even more choice words, a much sterner look and most definitely a decibel level only heard by the dogs in the house. There may have even been hand wringing, fist shaking and tongue wagging. Whatever. No assignment will go undone in this house.

I will not fail at motherhood. Or at homework.

The shards of broken promises were wiped up with the tears that had most definitely been shed. But at last, the assignment was finished, by golly. It cost me over a hundred dollars in printer ink, a drive to the city and a close call with goose (don't ask) but it was well worth it to know my child finished the assignment they had so cleverly tried to evade for weeks.

Isn't it cute when teenagers think they are smarter than their mommas?

And on June 1st, guess which mother personally drove to the school to witness their child hand in their way over-due, pain-in-every-one's-arse assignment?

Here's a hint:

Who had the last laugh now, kid?

I know how much my child loved having me all up in their space, high-fiving their friends and showing off my swagger as I sauntered down the school hallways. I know my kid will one day understand why I had them write a note of apology and read it aloud to their teacher.

And I'm betting my child will never forget the moment I pinched the kid's widdle cheeks and announced as loudly as I could how much mommy wuvs her baby.

It's a memory that will keep on giving for years to come.

And if my child ever forgets, well, lucky for all of them their father and I bought a little something special to keep around the yard to remind them how much we love them and how serious we are about raising them right.

Want a hint?

We call it the GoonSpoon. And it's here to help you remember that no matter how deep that hole is you dug for yourself, we're always here to help you find a way out of it.

I know digging that electrical trench for your father probably wasn't the funnest thing you'll have done this year, but just like that overdue assignment and the fact I sang "Achy Breaky Heart" as loudly as I could down your school hallway while wearing fuzzy slippers, it's not going to be something you ever forget either.

Some lessons are meant to stick to your memory like a bur on a dog.

This is one of them.