Text Message Torture
/My older brother Stretch once pinned me down, sat on my chest and dangled a loogie over my face as I squirmed and tried to buck him off of me.
Just when I opened my mouth to scream for help, the saliva stretched far enough and he wasn't quick enough and PLOP! My brother basically horked in my mouth.
He thought it was hysterical. I did not.
That right there has been the foundation of our entire relationship. It's a good thing he's one of my favourite people. When he's not horking loogies at me.
Me: I don't have a pic of his face. Kid played shy and wouldn't let me immortalize his awesomeness.
Him: Boo.
Him: Bit by ant?
Me: Mosquito. Many times. Possibly spider but I doubt it. Swelling is going down already.
Him: Good.
Me: K. I've gotta go. I'm off to see if I can run further than 7 k today. Training for a 10k race. Have a good one!
(And so I put my phone away to go put my running shoes on. Because I wanted to RUN.)
Buzz.
Him: What about your back?
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Me: (annoyed) You can stop any time now.
Him: There you are!
Me: Running is helping control my back pain. Seems to be the only thing that helps lately so you know, I want to go RUN. Instead of text.
Him: Do you have any bungees?
Me: Bungee cords? We may have a few. Why?
Him: Tether your boobs down!!! Bahahahahahah. Later!
Me: Ha ha. (Insert not nice word here.)
Me: And I use duct tape for that. Arsehole.
Him: I'm very busy Tanis. Please leave me alone.
Me: I hate you.
(Puts down phone and resumes tying up my running shoes.)
The phone buzzes again. I eye it wearily.
Him: Oh.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
(Picks up phone and considers the legal consequences of driving into the city to cram it down my brother's throat. Only he's six foot four. I can't reach his damn mouth. Knowing he'll keep up till I answer, I text back.)
Me: I'm going to kill you. I ducking swear it.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Me: F*cking.
Him: Bring water.
Me: Dammit.
Me: Why water?
Him: It's hot you twit.
(Right about then I consider how much money I have available for bail.)
Me: Thank Tips.
And then? I gave the phone to my kids and told them if it buzzes again to go put it in the hot tub. NO MATTER WHAT.
Now every time the phone buzzes I twitch. Thanks for that Stretch. Next time just pin me down and hork on me. It's a much quicker and less aggravating torture.
Just when I opened my mouth to scream for help, the saliva stretched far enough and he wasn't quick enough and PLOP! My brother basically horked in my mouth.
He thought it was hysterical. I did not.
That right there has been the foundation of our entire relationship. It's a good thing he's one of my favourite people. When he's not horking loogies at me.
This is what happens when you ask my brother to smile nicely for a picture. This also happens to be the same look he gives me right before he decides to torture me.
Yesterday I went to charge my cell phone and I noticed I had missed a text message from my brother. He wanted me to send him a picture of my son's swollen face (Frac was attacked by mosquitos the night before and swelled up like a prize fighter does after facing off with Rocky.)
Most normal siblings exchange a few texts and then move on. Not my family. Here's how we Millers' text:
Me: I don't have a pic of his face. Kid played shy and wouldn't let me immortalize his awesomeness.
Him: Boo.
Him: Bit by ant?
Me: Mosquito. Many times. Possibly spider but I doubt it. Swelling is going down already.
Him: Good.
Me: K. I've gotta go. I'm off to see if I can run further than 7 k today. Training for a 10k race. Have a good one!
(And so I put my phone away to go put my running shoes on. Because I wanted to RUN.)
Buzz.
Him: What about your back?
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
25 times. In a row. It's like Chinese water torture with a smart phone.
Me: (annoyed) You can stop any time now.
Him: There you are!
Me: Running is helping control my back pain. Seems to be the only thing that helps lately so you know, I want to go RUN. Instead of text.
Him: Do you have any bungees?
Me: Bungee cords? We may have a few. Why?
Him: Tether your boobs down!!! Bahahahahahah. Later!
Me: Ha ha. (Insert not nice word here.)
Me: And I use duct tape for that. Arsehole.
Him: I'm very busy Tanis. Please leave me alone.
Me: I hate you.
(Puts down phone and resumes tying up my running shoes.)
The phone buzzes again. I eye it wearily.
Him: Oh.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
(Picks up phone and considers the legal consequences of driving into the city to cram it down my brother's throat. Only he's six foot four. I can't reach his damn mouth. Knowing he'll keep up till I answer, I text back.)
Me: I'm going to kill you. I ducking swear it.
Him: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Me: F*cking.
Him: Bring water.
Me: Dammit.
Me: Why water?
Him: It's hot you twit.
(Right about then I consider how much money I have available for bail.)
Me: Thank Tips.
And then? I gave the phone to my kids and told them if it buzzes again to go put it in the hot tub. NO MATTER WHAT.
Now every time the phone buzzes I twitch. Thanks for that Stretch. Next time just pin me down and hork on me. It's a much quicker and less aggravating torture.
What happens when our mother asks the two of us to stand nicely next to one another and smile.