Tethered to Today

Five years ago I thought this day would get easier. I pinned my hopes on that thought, clutched it tightly to my fractured soul and used it to mop up the tears seeping down my face.

Five years ago I would never have been able to comprehend the fact this day wouldn't just mark the end of your life, but would also mark the birth of the brother you never got to meet, the son I didn't yet know existed.

But here we are.

It's been five years.

It's a difficult day, to mourn the loss of one son, while celebrating the birth of another. It is a day that can never completely be one son's day, a day where joy tugs with sorrow and my heart is ripped to shreds all over again and I stand breathless against the tidal wave of pain while clinging to the love which surrounds me in the hopes this day will get easier.

I see you sometimes Bug. Standing there in the sunlight, with your head thrown back, laughing. I see you in your siblings eyes, reflected back to me in their big blue eyes. I see you sometimes in the way your little brother holds his head against mine when we cuddle.

I feel you everywhere.

I wonder who you would have been if you had survived. It haunts me. I wonder who Jumby would have been if he had been born to me? Or if I had found him sooner. Haunted.

I wish upon a thousand stars I could make things right for both of my boys. That neither of you had to suffer the way you did. That I could make you both whole, heal you with our family's love for you. That I could have saved you both.

Sorrow clings to me like a second skin, itches like an ill-fitting sweater.

Five years ago I was lost.

Five years later I have a reason to celebrate this day.

It's not enough, it's too much, I'm grateful for this new love, I'm broken for my lost love.

I never thought I could love someone this much. You did this to me. Both of you. The four of you. I'm who I am today, all  joy and pain and heartbreak and hope because of you. My children.

I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much.

I will light a candle tonight for one son as I help another blow his out.

Happy birthday my sweet Jumby.

You are missed my sweet Bug.

You are both so very loved today and everyday to come.