Send Pillows Please

So I'm stealing my parents' internet right now. I'm jacking their signal. I'm up in their modem. Okay, I'm not really stealing it since my mother graciously invited me over to her house, gave me the wifi password and even offered me the use of her laptop all so that I could write this post. Her only condition was that I wear pants. She may have encouraged me to comb my hair as well but I took that part as optional.

My internet crapped out. My internet is provided by Xplornet and for more than two years I have had no complaint with their service other than it's slower than molasses even when I was paying for the fastest signal they have.

Then Christmas rolled around and my internet slowed down some more and I just attributed it to my children being Youtube addicts and baby gamers and didn't think about it again. Until Wednesday. When my internet gasped a final breath, shuddered and then quit completely.

That sound you hear is a woman trapped in the sticks with her often misbehaving children, screeching to the Gods of Internet Signal TO COME BACK TO ME. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT.

After sobbing hysterically to my husband, (because priorities 'bitch first, fix later', I haz 'em) we called Xplornet. Where they said that really sucks and yes, we see your signal is being bounced between three different towers and you are being disconnected from signal more than a THOUSAND TIMES A DAY and ya, that's not really good. But no worries sweet internet addict, they crooned. WE CAN FIX.

Great. The problem has been identified, the solution is easy, let's get it done.

At least that's how it would work if I could will it with the power of my mind. The reality is, they identified the problem, know the solution and oh wait, we don't actually fix the service we make you pay for, we source it out to technicians. You'll have to call them.

So we did.

And the technicians said? HAHAHAHAHAHAH. GET IN LINE BITCH.

Well actually, they were much politer than that.

So after an epic freak out to my husband, several calls to Xplornet, one lovely run in with a dude named Brandon who sounds like he hates females, his job and possibly life in general, my offering blow jobs to a bunch of technicians that either don't like blow jobs or crazy women, a bazillion angry tweets on Twitter and finally Xplornet calling ME, well, I still don't have any internet.

Because there is a line and I am at the back end of it because, lady, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN INTERNET EMERGENCY.

Clearly Xplornet does not understand how A.) I make my living, B.) Communicate with the outside world and C.) Stay sane so that I don't go around smothering people with pillows.  Because right now, I'd very much like to do just that. And it doesn't even matter who I smother. I'm twitchy like that. It's probably best to avoid eye contact with me. And if you see me eyeing any pillows I suggest you run.

So I'm sitting here, at my parent's house, eyeing their throw pillows and begging my dad to come a little closer, I just dare you Dad, while stealing their internet.

Something tells me I'm going to be spending a lot of time here until Xplornet decides they should fix my signal. Because guess what? THEY ARE STILL MAKING ME PAY FOR THE SIGNAL I AM NOT RECEIVING!! YAY!!

There's a bright side to every coin, right?

So while I'm packing to basically move back into my parents house (cheaper than a motel with free wifi, yo) even though I haven't asked them and oh hey, it's going to be so much fun sharing a room with my sister again, you should totally go read my Babble article.

It's probably the most honest words I've ever typed out about my marriage and we all have Xplornet, their crappy customer service and their NO SIGNAL PROVIDING service to thank for it.

Mean time, I'm just fluffing the pillows. I swear.

But hey. At least I have both of my thumbs. Life could be worse.